You know, I think I am actually learning something about myself as I get older and do more – I take things way too seriously. I don’t mean that I need to start slacking off or doing things half way, but I seem to base my whole self esteem on single events. I never realized before how much I do this. I am a results person rather than a journey person. If I do not get the results I expect then I become very upset rather than thinking about it as a journey. It keeps happening over and over and you would think that one of these days I could stop the madness!
Weightloss: Obviously I did it for years with weightloss. Every time I tried to diet and didn’t loose the magical number I planned on losing or going shopping and not fitting in the clothes I planned on fitting in I would get depressed and feel like I failed. I am getting better at this, but still have those thoughts.
Running: Obviously again… I stake my whole life around these stupids marathons and when they don’t turn out like I expect then I think I have failed. Even more absurdly… even training runs are like that. If I didn’t feel like I had the perfect workout I would spend the day beating myself up about it. Heck, if my Garmin didn’t work right I would call it a day. I wanted to have proof of my success.
Gardening: John asked me last night if I planned on doing the garden again this year. I had fun doing it last year and enjoyed the process but the bottom line was that I really didn’t get a lot to show for my efforts and I was really discouraged at the end of the summer. My immediate response to him was no… I told him I worked too hard last year for nothing. His response was that it wasn’t for nothing… I learned a lot.
I learned a lot. I wanted tomatoes… not lessons. I wanted a marathon medal…not lessons. I want a thin body… not lessons.
I want results – not stupid lessons!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So here I am with a lot of lessons learned I guess. I suppose I need to sit down and figure out what I have learned from this past year so I can try again. Well, actually there is no “trying again”, it is all part of the process isn’t it? It is what it is and I just need to keep plugging along.
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